If marriage is about giving, why do we need to think about what we want to get? By Lisa Twerski, LCSW

There’s this interesting tension, when it comes to having the right attitude about marriage. We are supposed to focus on giving to our spouse, and vice versa. This is the core of a healthy marriage when each are getting but from a giving position. We’re not supposed to be focused on what we’re getting, but what we can give, and yet, how can your spouse know how or what to give to you if don’t think about what you would want in different situations, and clearly share that. We have to spend time thinking about what we need: when we’re hurt, or anxious, in new situations or with family, etc., and then clearly articulate that to your spouse. Not because your focus in marriage should be getting, but because we each have to help our spouse give what we need and not expect mind reading, or that your spouse will just magically know. People need different things in different situations. If you don’t share with your spouse what you need, s/he’ll probably give what s/he would want to get. What else should your spouse rely on? But you might need something different, and that’s ok. Your different needs aren’t the problem. Not discussing them is.