Is something bothering you about your spouse, or your in-law family? Make a request
not a confession!

It is a common assumption or expectation in marriage, that the ultimate measure of success in couple hood is to be able to say everything. To be so close that you are able to be completely open. Closeness and openness are important in marriage, but so are empathy and emotional intelligence. When you have something you feel you need to share that you know will be hurtful for him/her to hear, first ask yourself some questions: Why will this be hurtful? Sometimes you need to disagree or disappoint your spouse, and their distress is unavoidable. Other times, you need to vent. Although it would seem that’s exactly when it would be appropriate to turn to your spouse, that really depends.
Imagine you have negative feelings towards your spouse’s mother. Do you need to share that your mother-in-law ‘makes you crazy’ when she questions you about your parents? (for example) You may need emotional support around this, and help figuring out how to handle being around her, but in that circumstance it would be more appropriate to separate those two things out from each other. You don’t have to ignore your need for that emotional support or venting, but this is where the need to have empathy and emotional intelligence outweighs that ideal of being ‘completely open’. In a situation where the emotional need you have is to vent about your spouse’s mother, it’s more appropriate to do that with a trusted advisor. Limiting the conversation with your spouse to a specific request, can minimize the needless, distance creating hurt, that venting about your mother-in-law will produce.
When we’re really distressed over something it can be hard to think clearly about a concrete solution that would help. In this type of situation what most people can think to say is, “My mother-in-law is so inappropriate, so intrusive. What is she thinking? She would never want me to ask her those questions. I can’t believe her, she’s so insensitive…” Part of why people want to vent is because they are overwhelmed. Having someone you can trust to talk things out with, gives you the emotional outlet, that can then help you come to the conclusion of what you need, what request would help. You just want to choose wisely as to whom you want to do that venting process with. In a marriage, it’s generally a healthy sign when the person who we trust to do that with is our spouse. It’s just not something that will always be a good idea. Sometimes closeness is best served by being sensitive not open. That doesn’t mean going to the other extreme of trying to shut down our request together with our venting. When people do that, it usually leads to an explosion where everything comes out, and openness is achieved but closeness is shut down. In these types of sensitive situations, separate out the venting and do that part with someone you trust and respect. To your spouse, focus on making a practical request, to best preserve your relationship. That would sound like this: “when we go to your parents, could you make sure to jump in and change the subject if your mother starts asking personal questions about my parents? I don’t know how to handle her questions politely when I know my parents wouldn’t want me to answer.” Try it this way and see what that changes in your relationship.