How do you get comfortable expressing your needs to your spouse? Maybe you won’t,
but discomfort shouldn’t stop you.

Often, there are needs we have that we are uncomfortable expressing to a spouse. That’s ok. What’s problematic is when people want to wait until they feel completely comfortable expressing themselves before sharing their needs. In some instances that may work out, but all too often it backfires. In some instances, the person holds their needs in, but because they have no path to getting comfortable, the process lingers until they explode with frustration. Other times, the person waits so long, they feel too uncomfortable bringing it up, 6 months, or a year later, after letting it go and ‘pretending’ to be ok with whatever had been happening, or not happening. At that point, the person feels awkward, and sometimes not entitled to express themselves because they feel that never having said what they need, and leading their spouse to believe they were fine the ways things were, they are now not entitled to ‘change the rules’.
Unless you have clear steps that you know will help you get comfortable, it probably won’t ‘just happen’. Time alone doesn’t produce that comfort. In fact, it’s often the expressing, asking, sharing that makes you feel even closer, and by extension comfortable sharing, even difficult information with your spouse. Conversely, holding back, waiting for comfort to happen, so that you can then express yourself actually works against you. This process of holding in because of discomfort will almost always lead to further discomfort, whether in the form of a blow up, or a feeling of ‘dishonesty’ if bringing it up after allowing things to ride for so long. Don’t think in terms of trying to get rid of your discomfort in order to be able to share with your spouse. Think about what might enable you to tolerate the discomfort of sharing, so that you can, sooner rather than later.