Is It Domestic Abuse or Dysfunction
Recently, I was part of a multi-day Shana Rishona Summit. My talk was entitled “Is It Domestic Abuse or a Difficult Transition”. There were questions posted to my page, but they were anonymous and there was no way to respond to them. Since they are common questions, the next few posts will address them and hopefully the answers will get to the right address. The first question was, “How do I know if the abusive behavior in my marriage is domestic abuse or stems from dysfunction.”
The first thing I ask when someone wants to know whether the abusive behaviors they are experiencing is part of (official) domestic abuse or whether it’s “just” dysfunction is: “Why does it matter?” It matters to me as a mental health professional because possible interventions are different depending on which it is. Often though, people seem to be asking the question as if saying, “If this is “officially” domestic violence, then I’m entitled to feel what I’m feeling about it and do something about it. If it’s “just” dysfunction, then it’s not really so bad, and I’m not supposed to feel so bad about it or insist on change or help.”
Regardless of where it’s stemming from, if you’re being mistreated or abused in your marriage, that’s not okay. You’re entitled to your feelings about that, and something should be done. This person’s question included the fact that she had read my book I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? and is still unclear.
Know this: you don’t need to be clear to go for help. Most people have some confusion about what is going wrong in their marriage when they decide to reach out for help. Going for help is for anyone who has been trying what they can and still feels unhappy in their relationship. Is it me? Is it my spouse? Is it domestic abuse? Is it dysfunction? What is there to do? These are things that get explored in the therapeutic process.
Something that might be a clue as to whether this is actually domestic violence or dysfunction is whether you are afraid to approach your spouse about going for help or if you are afraid for your spouse to know that you are seeking help. I don’t mean are you afraid that your spouse won’t be happy about it, will be insulted or feel wounded that you aren’t happy and want to talk to someone, making you feel “bad” for hurting them or insulting them in this way. I mean, will there be consequences of some sort if you tell your spouse you are going to talk to someone? The concept of escalating tactics to gain and maintain power and control is discussed in my book, and when that dynamic is present, that is, in part, the very definition of domestic abuse. But whether you are afraid or just feel badly, if you are feeling distress in your marriage and you don’t seem to be able to make things better on your own, it’s time for professional help. The thing to be mindful of is that if there is fear, you may need to be careful as to how you go about reaching out to someone. If it doesn’t feel safe for your spouse to know that you have, your initial contact may need to be something you do on your own, with the hope of getting direction for how to get help for the both of you.