How can I get my spouse to do something I think will really help our marriage?

That’s a question I’ve gotten a lot lately. Specifically, there have been several people who reached out because they started reading my new book Me and You – What I Wish I Knew and thought it could help their marriage, but their spouse said it wasn’t for them. I also get the question when someone thinks they need marriage counseling, but their spouse is resistant.

First, I need to say if there is real abuse or a serious, mental health issues, it might not be possible to get your spouse to get help by yourself. The following can help when the resistance is help-able.

• Don’t approach with a complaint: “We’re always fighting and miserable, it’s not normal.” “I’m so unhappy.” “Why don’t you want to do something about our relationship/your issue?”

The above are not good approaches.

• Approach with a request:
  • To engage in working on the book: “I got this marriage book with exercises I thought might be interesting. We could read it or even listen to it together online; would you try it with me?” Or, “I started this book because I thought it might help me understand marriage better, it’s so interesting, would you be willing to try the exercises with me?”
  • To get your spouse to go for professional help: “I know you sometimes talk to XXX about stuff going on, and I sometimes talk to XXX, maybe we should talk to someone together.”

Do you see how the second requests keep complaint, blame and past struggles over fault out of the approach? That’s always going to give you a better chance to get a reluctant spouse to consider trying something new.

• Don’t make it all or nothing. Ask if they would be willing to just try it. Whether that’s therapy, the book Me and You, or something else. Ask your spouse if they would try. “Can we go to two sessions and re-evaluate?” “Can we do the first two sections of the book, no expectation to finish the whole thing?”
• Consider why your spouse might be resistant: “I know going to talk to someone sounds like it could be expensive, but maybe we could…” “I know these things aren’t your type, but I really mean it that if you try and don’t want to continue, I won’t pressure you to.” Or, “If you try this with me, I’ll try … chess, listening to the podcast you like…”

If you try one of these tips, reach out and let me know what happens!